As we quickly approach perhaps the most sincere holiday ever created/celebrated, I can't help but notice all the giving of '30 days of Thanks.' Now, don't get me wrong... I'm a STRONG supporter in counting your blessings... but it's the 30-days part that just rubs me the wrong way.
I know 'why' the 30 days, so those of you who feel you need to explain that part, you don't. What I'm saying is I just DON'T LIKE IT. What is good about encouraging ourselves to be thankful for only 30 days straight?! Furthermore... I can't help but notice how much 'thanks' being given is circumstantial stuff. I read one the other day that read 'Today, I am thankful for the good job and nice house God has blessed me with.' Now, while, again, I support the counting of blessings, I just think that the root of thankfulness lies much deeper than with things that aren't leaving with us when we exit this life. I suppose I just feel--especially after losing most of my familiar circumstances this past year--that we need to think more ETERNALLY when it comes to our thankfulness.
In leu of this thought-process, I myself am thinking fondly on Thanksgiving--or the giving of thanks--in the form of what sole gift that we've all--*whether or not you've accepted it--received. We are ALL gifted in one entirely eternal way--God's ultimate gift and sacrifice--Jesus.
Yes, I am aware that Jesus in the 'reason for the season' when it comes to our society's Christmas-holiday...but I am thanking God today, not just for Jesus's birth...but for His sacrifice which gave ME the gift--as I have joyfully accepted it--of life never-ending and of the washing of all of my short-comings during this one.
Whether my circumstances are health or disease, big house or little house--or no house at all, good job, terrible job--or no job at all, feasts on my table or scraps in my lap, money in my wallet or dryer-lint in my wallet......
NEITHER of those awesome gifts are changed. Jesus still lived..and died..so that I MYSELF MAY LIVE and NEVER DIE, PERMANENTLY, and so that everything in me that is born of sin can be washed as white as snow each and every time I simply open my mouth and ask it to be!
That, is being gifted. And that is why it's not about a giving of circumstantial thanks, but rather, the ultimate GIFT received for which we all owe *at the very least* a monthly, weekly, daily, hourly, moment-by-moment thanks for~
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
No Moment To Lose...
It's really been hard for me to focus my thoughts to just one blog entry 'subject', lately.
I find myself perseverating on so many details of life AFTER cancer...getting caught up in all the worry of the decisions that are left to us now, on the 'other side.' So, so many things still to be 'solved' and answered. I haven't even begun to organize my thoughts long enough to address them yet.
But then,
JUST LIKE THAT... *and maybe not a moment too soon*
Perspective jumps back in my face.
A life.
A close girlfriend's father.
Gone suddenly.
No warning.
No sign.
Just. gone.
We are guaranteed NOTHING but death, in this life. And we are not informed of our numbered days.
Only that they ARE numbered.
Mine. Yours. Your spouse's. Your mother's and your father's. Your children's. Your neighbor's. The person who attended you at the gas station, today. The nice clerk at your local library.
The young boy you saw waiting at the crosswalk around the corner from your house. The bum whom you try to avoid while leaving the grocery-store, each month.
All of us walk around with a number invisibly hovering above our heads--only known by our One, True Creator--yet it's so imperative for us to be amicably aware of in our interactions with one another.
I'm not just talking about being 'nice', either. I'm talking about seizing the moments--ALL moments--in which to truly witness to one another. Show one another God's love and forgiveness and undeniable REALness.
Our message at church was a continued study we're doing in the book of Acts where Paul has had to go before the High Priest and government, under arrest, and explain the recent 'unexplainable' movements of the Holy Spirit to them. After the bible-study had ended, our room of 200+ congregation-members were left to soak in the reminder of the all important role we each play in making sure that the Saving Grace of God is shared and offered to all who cross our path.
I was just telling a friend on the phone tonight that without my faith this past year and a half, I have no doubt that I would've fallen into a bottomless pit of self-pity and despair. Cancer WOULD have rocked ME right out of this world. I know this because I know the moments of depression that still do creep in--I'm all too familiar with the sadness and anger that try, daily, to infiltrate my life--rip my moments away.
But, today, that was put in check. AGAIN.
I found myself nearly re-living the day I was diagnosed. The PERSPECTIVE that was gifted me, that day. The reality that, not just our days, but our moments, are numbered. We can't afford to be angry at, jealous of, irritated by, or stressed because of... ANYTHING. All of those choices rip us off.
It's as though we have a 'bank account' of moments, and we're free to spend them however we wish, but when they're gone.. THEY'RE GONE. We're done.
I won't even go into the deep reality of judgment we will all fall under, some day soon, when we have to give an account of how we used each one. That's for another long-winded blog, I think.
I'm just going to challenge you...as I am challenging myself again, too...
SPEND WISELY.
Forgive.
Forget.
Regret nothing.
Love. Deeply.
Smile.
Speak.
LISTEN.
Embrace God's REALness.
Cause not one of us has a single moment to lose~
I find myself perseverating on so many details of life AFTER cancer...getting caught up in all the worry of the decisions that are left to us now, on the 'other side.' So, so many things still to be 'solved' and answered. I haven't even begun to organize my thoughts long enough to address them yet.
But then,
JUST LIKE THAT... *and maybe not a moment too soon*
Perspective jumps back in my face.
A life.
A close girlfriend's father.
Gone suddenly.
No warning.
No sign.
Just. gone.
We are guaranteed NOTHING but death, in this life. And we are not informed of our numbered days.
Only that they ARE numbered.
Mine. Yours. Your spouse's. Your mother's and your father's. Your children's. Your neighbor's. The person who attended you at the gas station, today. The nice clerk at your local library.
The young boy you saw waiting at the crosswalk around the corner from your house. The bum whom you try to avoid while leaving the grocery-store, each month.
All of us walk around with a number invisibly hovering above our heads--only known by our One, True Creator--yet it's so imperative for us to be amicably aware of in our interactions with one another.
I'm not just talking about being 'nice', either. I'm talking about seizing the moments--ALL moments--in which to truly witness to one another. Show one another God's love and forgiveness and undeniable REALness.
Our message at church was a continued study we're doing in the book of Acts where Paul has had to go before the High Priest and government, under arrest, and explain the recent 'unexplainable' movements of the Holy Spirit to them. After the bible-study had ended, our room of 200+ congregation-members were left to soak in the reminder of the all important role we each play in making sure that the Saving Grace of God is shared and offered to all who cross our path.
I was just telling a friend on the phone tonight that without my faith this past year and a half, I have no doubt that I would've fallen into a bottomless pit of self-pity and despair. Cancer WOULD have rocked ME right out of this world. I know this because I know the moments of depression that still do creep in--I'm all too familiar with the sadness and anger that try, daily, to infiltrate my life--rip my moments away.
But, today, that was put in check. AGAIN.
I found myself nearly re-living the day I was diagnosed. The PERSPECTIVE that was gifted me, that day. The reality that, not just our days, but our moments, are numbered. We can't afford to be angry at, jealous of, irritated by, or stressed because of... ANYTHING. All of those choices rip us off.
It's as though we have a 'bank account' of moments, and we're free to spend them however we wish, but when they're gone.. THEY'RE GONE. We're done.
I won't even go into the deep reality of judgment we will all fall under, some day soon, when we have to give an account of how we used each one. That's for another long-winded blog, I think.
I'm just going to challenge you...as I am challenging myself again, too...
SPEND WISELY.
Forgive.
Forget.
Regret nothing.
Love. Deeply.
Smile.
Speak.
LISTEN.
Embrace God's REALness.
Cause not one of us has a single moment to lose~
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
NED
Amazing how three simple letters of the alphabet can cause an IMMEDIATE flow of emotions out of two people when spoken by two knowledged people walking through a door, referring to a scan.
N.E.D.
No evidence of disease. I even have the paperwork to stare at it. *And yes, you bet I'm feeling tempted to frame it.
The wash of this past year...the amount of challenge our lives have faced.
Change.
Lost Hopes.
Disappointments.
Fear.
Confusion.
Such a list. And yet, I feel I haven't even made a dent in it.
One thing I'll NEVER forget *and you reeeeally have to of met nurse Kathy to appreciate this quote fully* was her and Dr. Citrin walking in to blurt out the test results, saying, 'Well, that was THE most boring two sentences I've ever read in my life! *referring to the path report* haha.
Yes. She's right. It IS a boring pair of sentences...and these days, I WELCOME BORING!!!
Boring means I have zero sign of disease at this point. Boring means maybe, just maybe I can get a little break from all the poking and prodding in the near future when my Herceptin chemo ends next spring and we're literally only being forced to talk *in the past-tense!* about this horrid disease. Boring? WAHOO!!!
Today's news was not without it's harsh realities... those that now 'write' my future. Some of those I will be blogging about in the future. Cancer. Sucks. Always has, always will. It has most certainly left my skiing over wakes that I will spend my future adjusting to... even just truthfully realizing...
but in THIS moment I've been afforded, I celebrate a clean scan.
Praise. God.
Thank you for your ongoing prayers and support in this. What a journey~
N.E.D.
No evidence of disease. I even have the paperwork to stare at it. *And yes, you bet I'm feeling tempted to frame it.
The wash of this past year...the amount of challenge our lives have faced.
Change.
Lost Hopes.
Disappointments.
Fear.
Confusion.
Such a list. And yet, I feel I haven't even made a dent in it.
One thing I'll NEVER forget *and you reeeeally have to of met nurse Kathy to appreciate this quote fully* was her and Dr. Citrin walking in to blurt out the test results, saying, 'Well, that was THE most boring two sentences I've ever read in my life! *referring to the path report* haha.
Yes. She's right. It IS a boring pair of sentences...and these days, I WELCOME BORING!!!
Boring means I have zero sign of disease at this point. Boring means maybe, just maybe I can get a little break from all the poking and prodding in the near future when my Herceptin chemo ends next spring and we're literally only being forced to talk *in the past-tense!* about this horrid disease. Boring? WAHOO!!!
Today's news was not without it's harsh realities... those that now 'write' my future. Some of those I will be blogging about in the future. Cancer. Sucks. Always has, always will. It has most certainly left my skiing over wakes that I will spend my future adjusting to... even just truthfully realizing...
but in THIS moment I've been afforded, I celebrate a clean scan.
Praise. God.
Thank you for your ongoing prayers and support in this. What a journey~
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Chicago, Take Two!
Hard to believe we're officially at 6 months from when we last visited my medical oncologist in Chicago--Dr. Citrin. I'd be lying if I said I'm not EAGER to be back in 'his hands' --as far as the medical side of things goes--and just back in the loving atmosphere of CTCA, in general.
I've compiled my new *and once again, long* list of questions and subject-areas to discuss in our time with him and above ALL ELSE, hopefully get the official NED status read to me. For those who don't know that term, it stands for No Evidence of Disease.
This trip, they will be running a few labs and tests as well as doing a PET scan and reviewing all my charts from last summer's radiation treatments.
Though part of me wishes we could just be DONE with cancer--call it 'beat' and move on with life--I am somewhat comforted by the idea of the ongoing care that I will be required to have for years to come--ongoing meds, future surgeries, every 3-month check-ups with some of my Eugene team, on top of the many future trips (every 6 months) that I will be seeing Dr. Citrin for all my final medical oncologist needs. We are blessed to be far enough away that my travel and expense to do so will always be covered by CTCA, though any 'companion' I have that may go with me is not. That is something we will take in stride, as it's only an answer we must come up with twice a year. For this time around, mom 'volunteered' herself, leaving she and I with the 'excuse' to enjoy a little mommy-daughter time away *not exactly your joy-trip to Hawaii*, but we won't be picky. ;) It also gives Monga and the boys a few 'guys-club-days' together and alleviates daddy to be a workaholic without the guilt and expense of his family. So it's really a win-win-win. Though, I could still do without all the poking and prodding ahead for me, tomorrow. But hey.. cancer is a major LOSE.. so we just have to keep uplifting the 'side-effects' that aren't, ha.
I promise to update what we find out--especially from the scan results after our busy day of appointments, tomorrow. Keep praying for complete and sustained health... after all, I'd like to stick around at least a while longer~
I've compiled my new *and once again, long* list of questions and subject-areas to discuss in our time with him and above ALL ELSE, hopefully get the official NED status read to me. For those who don't know that term, it stands for No Evidence of Disease.
This trip, they will be running a few labs and tests as well as doing a PET scan and reviewing all my charts from last summer's radiation treatments.
Though part of me wishes we could just be DONE with cancer--call it 'beat' and move on with life--I am somewhat comforted by the idea of the ongoing care that I will be required to have for years to come--ongoing meds, future surgeries, every 3-month check-ups with some of my Eugene team, on top of the many future trips (every 6 months) that I will be seeing Dr. Citrin for all my final medical oncologist needs. We are blessed to be far enough away that my travel and expense to do so will always be covered by CTCA, though any 'companion' I have that may go with me is not. That is something we will take in stride, as it's only an answer we must come up with twice a year. For this time around, mom 'volunteered' herself, leaving she and I with the 'excuse' to enjoy a little mommy-daughter time away *not exactly your joy-trip to Hawaii*, but we won't be picky. ;) It also gives Monga and the boys a few 'guys-club-days' together and alleviates daddy to be a workaholic without the guilt and expense of his family. So it's really a win-win-win. Though, I could still do without all the poking and prodding ahead for me, tomorrow. But hey.. cancer is a major LOSE.. so we just have to keep uplifting the 'side-effects' that aren't, ha.
I promise to update what we find out--especially from the scan results after our busy day of appointments, tomorrow. Keep praying for complete and sustained health... after all, I'd like to stick around at least a while longer~
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