Three months and 16 days.
That's how long it's been since my fingers typed this website into my browser. Since I clicked the button 'New Post.' Since my heart hasn't hurt too much to do all of the above.
Traveling such a life-altering, shocking.. traumatic mountain leaves you in a very weird place. Like if you've ever taken a new trail through somewhere, parked your car on the 'other side' where you thought you'd come out at and then found yourself some time later at the exit...but your car isn't there...not because someone stole it, but because you actually took a different exit. Yes, you're back at the road... but where the heck are you?!
For people who have not been through something so big (and yes, I know that's broad...but I really do think their are categories under which life-challenges fall and 'big' is it's own 'animal' that not everyone faces in their lifetime)...they are left not ever fully being able to relate.
I speak specifically to the oh-so-popular comment which all of us 'big' category people know and hear, maybe too often: 'Wow, you just got through that! Now you can get back to living life as you were.. I'm so happy for you!'
Thank you. Thank you that you are happy for me to still be alive.
However, do not for one second fall stupid to the lie that life just picked up where it was the day before my diagnosis.
To that I say, ha.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
K. I'm done now. Wait.
Really. Now I'm done.
*Sorry for that pause. I couldn't type for a second because I had to address the everlasting itch that are my breast-implants. I only do this about 76, 942 times a day. And that reminds me roughly 72, 912 times a day of cancer.
Don't worry. This blog isn't turning into Cynical Hayley Central.
I really am not wrought with anger. Honestly, sorrow is a much deeper evil that invades me, often, these days. But even that, I daily battle away with prayer and God's power...
because God is still Good and has given me MORE TIME TO LIVE. Don't for one second think that I take that for granted or let my sorrow overshadow that reality...That GIFT.
But don't be fooled, either.
The wrath of 'big' is real. And I live it, every day.
MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
I do plan on sharing more on this... specific things that have been too hard for me to speak much about up until now. And I will share them on here because this is my outlet. My journal. And it's FREEING to get them out. But not today.
Today, what I ask of anyone still visiting this blog--even if just myself--is to get better at listening. Instead of feeling the need to find something right to SAY----which I am beginning to realize is a response to our OWN need to feel like WE made the situation better----just listen.
CRY WITH if you're so led.
I've seen a lot of 'big' on Facebook lately. Stories of terminal brain-cancer causing conflict over the choice of controlled suicide. Stories of wives losing there husband's suddenly to accidents unexpected and unforseen. Stories of young parents only getting to know their first, brand-new baby for only minutes before he dies.
And reading through the comments I see the usual: 'Praying for you'... 'I can't believe it'... 'I'm still in shock'... 'I'm so sorry.'
But it's comments like 'It was God's timing for him'... 'Glad he was a Believer'... 'I don't agree with her decision'... and 'They should have terminated earlier to save themselves the extra heartache' that just rub me the wrong way.
And then I realize. I'VE DONE THAT. Maybe not said that exact thing, but I've spoken OUTSIDE of the scenario---or what I am now going to start calling it to hold myself accountable, OUT OF TURN---and though I may not of had evil intentions and maybe even had decent ones, I should of LISTENED.
Now you may be saying... well wait, how do I 'listen' when I'm commenting.
Yes. I've been asking God that lately, too.
And just tonight, He clarified.
You listen to Him. You listen to what words He gives you. Or maybe you listen to what He may of asked you to do for them. Maybe donate money? Or send a card? Or cook a meal..or three.
Or maybe ALL OF THE ABOVE.
For those of you out there who are good at following the bible's command to 'hold your tongue', bravo! You may not need to hear this from me. In fact, you may of already prayed with me or just hugged me tight the last time I saw you--without the need to risk saying something unknowingly foolish. Thank you. I have much to learn from you.
But for the rest of us, ESPECIALLY myself.. I am praying.
Lord... teach us to talk less and LISTEN MORE.
Teach us to reside by those in our life going through something big...not fearfully staying quiet...but truly, heeding Your voice that will guide us in meeting THEIR need.
Teach us to not need to relate or search hard for the right thing to say.
Because we may not need to say anything.
If we just... LISTEN.